Write Me In: 15 Reasons I Should Be Your President

I will never wear sleeveless outfits, not to the State of the Union Address, not to the Easter Egg Roll, not to the Fourth of July picnic. I will wear pantsuits with long jackets covering my elasticized waist bands. I will make modest, illusory, and seasonally appropriate clothing fashionable again.
I taught middle schoolers for 30 years, so I know how to make childish people get along. Even deplorable people.
I will not go grey. Even if I serve two terms. A campaign promise I can keep.
You can see my tax returns. Nothing will surprise you: Two teachers’ pensions. Deductions for prescriptions and ice bags and Tylenol. Donations of nightgowns and lamps and sweatshirts to Goodwill. Checks here and there to St. Jude Hospital, the Cancer Society, and The Food Bank. Yes there were losses and depreciations in our lives this year, but nothing we could claim. Loopless, we are.
I will commit no sins of the flesh. Just ask my husband.
I think America IS great AND we have important work to do.
I have no blood coming out of my wherever; I’m just ornery all the time.
It will be easy for the Secret Service to keep track of me. I’m slow.
I have no idea how to tweet.
Yes, you can see my medical records. You can see that I am at a healthy weight for my 7’10” That I have the usual old person ailments: hypertension, cholesterol, and a little too much candy in my blood stream. That I take the three medications most women my age take: Lipitor, Lisinopril, and the one that will keep me from losing my shit when Congress won’t play nice.
I am up three times a night peeing anyway, so I will take that 3:00 AM call.
I don’t golf.
You are welcome to read my emails, ones setting up lunches, ones requesting my children’s Christmas lists, ones with meatloaf and cheesecake recipes. And, by all means, look for my lost emails, because there are at least 22,000 I can’t find. Find the receipt for that doohickie I bought from Etsy that I want to return. And bring your experts in to crack the code of my passwords, because I’d really like to order something from the Zappos again.
If I lose, it will be because more people liked another candidate better.
I am not nasty. (And neither is “She.”)