My friend, Trisha I’ll call her (because “Trisha” would like to stay married), tells it like this: “My husband says when I come home early from work, he’s so happy. I don’t tell him that when I find out he has to work late, I’m so happy.”
Trisha and I puzzle about this. We both have real princes for husbands, pretty perfect, as men go. They score high on the Facebook test, “How Awesome is Your Husband?” They are well-groomed, fiscally responsible, and don’t mention our weight. They seem quite smitten with us, actually. And, yet, we like it when they leave.
My husband and I have taken separate vacations for over a decade. At first it was by necessity 
because I was still working and Rick was retired. (My retirement came later because I’m much, much younger than he is and because I stayed home and raised his rotten children.)
He traveled the world with Overseas Adventure Travels and Rick Steves while I taught middle schoolers. Nothing could have delighted me more. While he was gone, I didn’t have to rein in my workaholism. And it was temporary, he said. After I retired, we would “travel all the time.”
After I retired, it soon became obvious that by “travel all the time,” my husband actually meant he wanted to travel all the time. He had become a photographer and had bought all the lenses and cases and doo dads. He could spend hours photographing vistas, bumblebees, cactus, craggy locals, and rusty tin cans. I rode along in the car reading my Kindle while he searched for the perfect sun, the perfect sky, the perfect dune. He’d urge me to shadow him as he took pictures, which always required me to actually move and sweat, two things I am loathe to do.
Click on picture to go to Rick’s photography website
While we were in Arizona earlier this month, he hinted that he wanted to go to Utah to snap pics a couple weeks hence. The thought of packing a suitcase again in two weeks filled me with dread. I already started missing my bed, my friends, my classes, my lunches out. Finally I said, “You can go anywhere you want, however often as you want, but I’m not going. Please do not have another heart attack while you’re gone.” I was as excited about the impending nine days alone as he was about all those red rocks.
When I told my girlfriends I was going to be alone for nine days, they envied me. Why is it that we are so glad when the one we love leaves?
First and foremost, it’s such a relief not having to be considerate all the time. A happy marriage is based more on good manners than sumptuous meals or bedroom gymnastics. It’s exhausting, all this solicitousness. Turning the TV down when he’s sleeping. Setting the thermostat at a mutually agreed upon temperature. Seasoning the chili to his liking. Charging your cell phone so you get his calls. Combing your hair and brushing your teeth. There is no way around this. A good spouse is a thoughtful spouse, and sometimes you just want to be selfish.
Secondly, like many women of “a certain age,” I have never lived alone; I went from a dorm room to the one-bedroom, $155 a month apartment I shared with my husband. Never been able to stack up dirty dishes in my own sink, never left my own bed unmade, never opened my own windows in the winter.
And no matter how thoughtful our husbands are, they are just annoying. Like if I sleep late, Rick says, “Wow, you had a good night’s sleep.” What I hear is, “Wow, you are a sloth.”
He says, “How late were you up last night?” And I hear, “You woke me up when you finally came to bed.”
He says, “Easter dinner sure was hard work.” To my mind he means, “Why do I have to drag in all those extra tables and chairs for your relatives?”
He says, “You needed gas.” I hear, “Why is the tank always empty when I use your car?”
I admit that perhaps I have a hearing problem, not a husband problem. Women my age have distorted perceptions of reality, and I blame it all on Donna Read. And I Love Lucy. And our mothers.
Click on picture to play the original opening credits for the show.
In the iconic, insipid ‘50s/60s sitcom starring Donna Reed, you always felt that the family was just waiting for the dad to come home and notice them. Although the show carried Donna’s name, it was Dr. Alex Stone who had the wisdom to solve the kids’ problems. (Remember dreamy Paul Peterson and Shelley Fabares of “Johnny Angel” fame?) “Father knows best,” was a common theme for television shows of the day. For six seasons, we were indoctrinated with this notion of Dad as the head of the household, and the family preparing all day for his return home. And the notion of twin beds.
Click on picture to watch the opening credits for the original I Love Lucy show
Lucille Ball was the dizzy redhead, always getting into jams with Ethel. Then Desi and Fred would come home, shocked at their hairbrained schemes, and would announce that Lucy had “some ‘splainin to do.” On a good day, Lucy would be wearing one of those fetching dresses with the swingy circle skirts and an apron tied with a jaunty bow, waiting for Desi to arrive home so she could offer him a drink and a cigarette. And then they’d get into their twin beds.
Our mothers were different on the nights our dads had to work late. There would be cold cuts laid out on the counter on the white butcher paper instead of our meat/vegetable/starch trio on our Melmac plates. Maybe we’d stay up late watching This is Tom Jones in the living room. There was a sense that we could all let our hair down a little and goof off when Dad wasn’t there. We knew everything was okay, though, because we could see through the crack in their bedroom door that Dad had come home and he was asleep with Mom in their double bed.
For many women my age, we learned at our mother’s knee that we had to prove our worth. How many of you are secretly happy when your husband comes home when you’ve just scrubbed the floor and it’s still wet? When there are good smells emanating from the oven? When you’re doing laundry, not reading a book? The bed made and you’re not in it? It is not our husbands’ expectations that we’re satisfying; it’s the way we were hard-wired early on by society to be caregivers.
One of the main reasons I love it when my husband goes away is because after about five days I 
start missing him. I’ve lived my wild single life, which amounts to throwing some clothes on the floor and watching Jimmy Fallon in bed, and it’s getting old. It feels like I’m not living my real life, that I’m lacking ballast. And after the initial thrill of watching Hoda and Kathy Lee without my husband’s snarky comments, I find that watching TV all by myself is lonely. Reading the paper without his commentary is disturbingly quiet. And I find myself restless in the middle of the night when I realize that nobody has stolen the covers. I become a bit ashamed of my Cheeto-stained fingers. And after a while, coming home to an empty house doesn’t feel liberating; it just feels isolating. And then comes the rush of gratitude you feel for finding a life partner who is missing you, too.
Being alone for a while is a good reminder that we don’t really want to go it alone, but that we can. We hope we never have to.
Readers: Do you enjoy being home alone? Why or why not? I’d love to hear from men and women. I’ll publish all of your comments.
Click on the pictures to watch the original opening credits for these beloved classics.
Father Knows Best
Leave it to Beaver
Dick Van Dyke
Copyright © 2015 Sandy Lingo, All Rights Reserved
Today I got home early and had three hours alone to myself. I did the exercise program I wanted to do, wearing what I wear when it doesn’t matter if my clothes match. Or fit. And then? Then I wasted a wonderful hour and a half eating half-priced Easter candy and reading blogs I usually don’t have time to click on. Now, my attitude is cruising near “socially acceptable” and I’m ready for him to come home and take me out to eat.
Thanks so much for reading my post and taking the time to engage with it and me. It seemed that it resonated with you. Thank you.
I absolutely love being home alone, but am currently apart from my fiance for two months and you are absolutely right: The joy wears off and you miss the dude. Well, at least I get to watch all the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” that I want!
And this cracked me up because I am one of the rotten children: ” My retirement came later because I’m much, much younger than he is and because I stayed home and raised his rotten children.”
You know, anything for a laugh!
As a long-divorced woman who grew up planning to be Donna Reed’s clone, I read this post with mixed emotions. It’s been 30 years (gulp!) that I’ve been single and that’s not for lack of trying. I kissed many a frog and was confident that my persistence would pay off with a fine husband and stepfather to my sweet boy. Didn’t happen. I’m happy to report that I am, finally, happier than I’ve ever been and I love being single, spoiling my dogs, eating Grapenuts for supper if I feel like it, and laughing with friends far too often to ever feel lonely. I’m also happy to report that I can – finally – read a post like this one and not feel sad or cheated or “less than” in some way. For my girlfriends who found and shared a life with a good, kind man, I am so glad they have had that life. I think, most of all, we just need to embrace whatever life sends our way. There are so many different roads to happiness. Sandy, I’m glad yours is shared with a dear partner. Best wishes!
I worked hard on this piece, mainly trying to make sense of it myself. I wrote a 3-page draft and chucked it after talking with my writing group. It took me two weeks to figure out why I liked being alone. I did worry about posting this, that it would be hurtful to widows, in particular, but others who want partners and haven’t found them. I appreciate so much you taking time to engage with the post and tell me your feelings. Thank you.
Your stories are always funny and a delight to read. And you’re so right. I miss Charlie like crazy and would give anything for some not alone time again.
Dear Sue,
I hesitated to post this, knowing that some of my readers have lost their beloved partners. I was worried it would be hurtful. I hope you felt that I understood how much I’d miss that together time if I lost my spouse. Love you.
Oh Sandy, are you ever right. I LOVE having the house to myself when he’s at work – I love being able to do whatever I want, eat whatever I want for lunch (neither are disturbingly weird) WITHOUT any commentary on my choices. And yes, it only works when you know they’ll be home soon, happy to see you and by that time, welcome.
Today The Hubs got the news that he’s been downsized – again. And my first thought was, “Oh damn. He’ll be back for lunch.” (For Better or Worse, dear, but not for Lunch.”
Thank you for reading my post. I am glad it resonated with you. I feel validated by your response. What I can’t figure out myself is why I feel so liberated doing whatever I want when that’s exactly what I do when he’s home! Sorry by the downsizing for all the reasons.
My husband, the darling, just apologized that he had a meeting tonight and hated to leave me home alone. This as I was reading this blog post. Synchronicity! I joke (half-heartedly) that life as I know it is over now that he is retired. You are an Everywoman who has great writing chops! Of course, there are women whose lives are different from yours (and mine) but continue to share yours with us. It makes my day.
Thanks for reading and for your lovely comments. I was nervous about posting this–worried that I was the only one. Glad this resonated with you. I feel validated and relieved.
OK, I stayed home tonight instead of going out as planned. Am I now in trouble because I did choose to be here rather than going to Shakespeare?
Three hours I could have had to myself! Wow. Now I can’t get the Cheetos out of hiding.
Having a husband around a lot in retirement gives new meaning to the word “alone”. I cherish my time alone when he’s off biking, taking a trip with a friend, his lunches with buddies, etc. But when he’s gone too long the house seems empty without him. When he traveled for work we’d have “pick and choose meals” with lunchmeat rolled up, pieces of cheese, carrot sticks or frozen peas and cookies for dinner. It was a chance to not cook. We’d watch TV and use paper plates. It was great. I need to start taking more separate vacations as we like to do different things. How we stayed married for 41 years is beyond me.
Your comments are better than my posts! Thanks for being such a loyal reader.
This message just gets better. You are right, marriage is a lot about being polite and having good manners. It is a relief to be a slob once in a while, but being a “single Mom” is hard. After the kids are gone, it is just really quiet. Having a good man is a gift, but having a mediocre one or worse may make being alone an interesting journey of self acceptance and growth. You have described our lives so well!
Thank you, Katy, for your heartfelt and insightful comments. I would have never finished this post had it not been for your input.
Two weeks ago, I spent 2 days in the hospital. I told my husband I wanted no visitors. So even he stayed away. I needed to be there but I was not really sick. It was lovely to be there. It was quiet, the food was good, my hand was healing, I could watch tv when and what I wanted. (I never tirned it on.) When I tell friends that I really enjoyed being in the hospital by myself, they are surprised, and even more so, when I say I was disappointed to be sent home in the evening instead ofthe next day, as promised.
Sandy, I really resonated with this! Even the title made me jump with a sense of “Oh, finally someone is speaking my little secret aloud!” I felt so guilty when my husband retired that I kept grieving that delicious alone-time during the day that I’d come to relish after the kids left! I always feel bad for a friend of mine whose retired husband refuses to get out of the house to do volunteer work or anything else!
First gut reaction: It’s not so much fun when, not by choice, you gone it alone for decades,. Then, processing my feelings about all this, i realize that I have had a choice all these years. Feeling that nothing ever lasts, I have maneuvered, consciously or not, to break up my relationships. Not because I have been dying to be left alone; I have been scared to be with someone.
In a humorous, but loving way, you demonstrate that a marriage does not have to be perfect, and the partners just need to believe in staying together no matter what, and hang in there, together.
Seriously, I love to laugh, but, god, I hate it when you make me think. However, that is the hallmark of a good writer, and you are one.
Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful comment. I was worried about the post, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make anyone sad. Thank you for reading and thinking.
Ned
She makes us think and laugh. The perfect tonic.
Thank you Sandy.
M
Ken and I found ourselves reading this one at the same time. I know he loves alone time as well as I do…you don’t become an accomplished musician without many hours of isolated practice. This makes me wonder if creative people not only like, but need to be alone. Rick’s got his photography, Ken has his music and we have our writing…but all of that needs an audience…so after we spend time alone, we get the best part….togetherness.
You are a gifted writer and I know how mant hours of sweat goes into this writing. I wish the whole world could read your blog!
THANK YOU SANDY! I admit I thought at first “oh boy where is she going with this?” but I loved it and in part do relate. I am happy I did leave alone for years though before getting hitched 🙂
Thank you for reading my post. I am glad it resonated with you I do feel validated by the responses, most from women who feel pretty much the same as I do.
Even though you often refer to “women of a certain age'” and I am a bit younger and still raising kids, this piece sparked a lot of introspection. With a husband that travels much of the time for work, I go through a cycle: First, frustration that he is leaving AGAIN; second, accomplishment (I CAN do this by myself and even get to choose what to watch on tv once I get the kids to bed) ; third, frustration again that he is back and messing up my routines; fourth, contentment because we are a family again and enjoy spending time as a whole and working together. Unfortunately, the cycle starts over a week or two later. It can be a bit exhausting, but I also think it is crucial to each person in a marriage to be their own person and part of a couple, to know how to enjoy time alone and time together. I guess for me, the trick is to keep working to find the right balance. And no one said marriage wouldn’t take work.
Whenever Rick traveled when our kids were still home, that is when they got sick, wrecked the car, missed curfew. It’s exhausting being a single parent, and I honestly don’t know how people do that day in, day out. Marriage is primarily a partnership, a compromise. Both parties have to give. The resentment comes when one person is doing all the giving. There is joy and validation in knowing you CAN do it on your own, and joy also in knowing you don’t have to.
Hi Sandy – Diane at wwfac linked me to your piece. You and I met when I read at SWAN Day last year. I loved this post so much and could relate to everything you said. I thought I was the only one!! I especially enjoyed the paragraph about the thrill of our husbands coming home to find us with a freshly scrubbed kitchen floor or a basket of perfectly folded laundry. It made me think a lot about being a people please-er and accommodating other people’s needs. (And wondering if OUR needs are being similarly accommodated.) Thanks so much for writing this!
Hi, Kim! Sorry you couldn’t read this year. Thanks so much for reading my post. I’m glad it resonated with you. I feel validated! Yes, I suspect men don’t feel the same angst about leaving dishes in the sink. I wonder if the next generation of women will get past these people pleasing behaviors.
Love this one, Sandy! Why is it when he’s later than expected (IF he should go out alone), when he gets home my comment is “oh – are you home already?” If I’m later than expected, I walk in to see him holding the phone in his hand with a stricken look on his face and his comment is “I was so worried – I was ready to call someone!” Gotta love those men! And I will never take him for granted – even though I might have muttered under my breath once or twice, here or there . . . . . Thanks for helping us laugh at ourselves!
All so true!
This one was thought provoking for me. Looking back, when my husband traveled and the girls were still in school, we did enjoy my husbands absence.. The house was much more relaxed although he’s not the type of man to put any pressure on me…..it was just more relaxed. Now that I am in senior years, my attitude has shifted to us being a “couple”. I do miss him when he is gone.
This may be your best yet.
Thanks for being such a loyal reader. I’m glad you enjoy it.
Glad to know that I am not the only one who misreads their husband’s comments. “What’s for dinner?” becomes “What the hell have you been doing all day? Where’s my food!”