My One-Day Adventure in NYC’s (Un)Real Estate Market

“I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.” ~ Jarod Kintz

“The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.” ~ John Updike

In 1627, the Dutch acquired Manhattan from American Indians for 60 guilders, equivalent to $1050 in 2014.  Believe me, that was the last real estate bargain in New York City.  I know because for one day I acted like a rich person and went shopping for a home on the Upper West Side.

This may seem like a strange thing for a tourist from Cincinnati to do. Allison, our daughter, had lived in New York for nearly a decade.  After dozens of visits, we had exhausted the usual attractions: the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Empire State Building,  30 Rock, Ellis Island, the nearly alive fish and hanging chickens in Chinatown.

It was a beautiful autumn Sunday.  Of course we’d go to a movie at the Lincoln Square Theater.  And, of course, we’d eat at a
diner, probably twice.  But what about the rest of the day?  I suggested Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum to see Susan Lucci’s new likeness.  My daughter rolled her eyes.

After a hearty breakfast at the nearest diner with Allison and her friend, Seth, we set off on an adventure.  We were going to spend the day looking at real estate we could never afford and hardly imagine.

The plan was outlined on her smart phone, and with a sweep of her thumb across the screen she determined our first of five destinations:  an Open House at a 4.45 million dollar condo on the upper west side.

We really didn’t discuss our roles, but we slipped into them easily.  Not much acting was required for my husband and me; we were to be “the parents”—parents a little awed by the big city and our daughter and “son-in-law’s” success.  Seth and Allison played lawyers, which they were, newly married, which they weren’t and would never be.

In NYC you don’t have to dress like you’re rich or act ostentatious like you’re rich or even have a good haircut.  If you’re of a certain age and wear black sweaters with jeans, it is assumed that you are quite possibly rich.  If you’re a female, don’t forget to carefully loop a scarf carelessly around your neck.

Allison was 32 at the time, and was doing well in her new career as a legal “headhunter” . . . uh, I mean “recruiter.”   Seth was a lawyer on Madison Avenue in hedge funds—something I’m pretty sure nobody in the Midwest really knows about—and was, in Allison’s words, “middle class,” as he only made about $250,000.  (It’s New York; what can I say?)  Seth was a lumpy, gruff 41-year-old from Boston (“Bawston”) who needed a haircut and a wife.  On this particular Sunday, he really wanted to get home to watch the Patriots in his underwear.

Property #1:  Natural Palette Creates Relaxed, Handcrafted Surroundings

We arrived at the first condo on West 70^th.  It was in a building with a tacky, somewhat unsettling Assyrian façade.  The lobby had fake (I think) Egyptian artifacts and statues, enhanced with outrageous Halloween decorations tacked up with masking tape—sort of a fusion lobby.

The doorman, who was languishing with his elbows on his desk, pointed to the elevator that took us to the $4.45 million, 4 bed, 3 bath, 3,180 square foot condo.  We reached the door, designated by metal numbers, the kind with adhesive backs, the kind you buy at Ace Hardware.  The door was opened by a slim man wearing a black sweater and jeans who immediately assured us that this was a “very special property.”  And it was.

What made it special was the size, a mansion by New York standards, a view of trees—real trees!—out the window, a six-burner stove, and a washer and dryer.  The second floor had two bedrooms, connected by a strange multi-level, artfully designed, frightfully scary walkway.  Each bedroom had a corner window that you could open to look down on the living room.

The condo was beautiful, sleek and bright and spacious . . .and, if you threw in the washer and dryer, would cost about $400,000 in Cincinnati.

Allison emoted over the space, but Seth, ever the discerning bon vivant, gently placed his hand on his “wife’s” back and said, “Dear, the second bedroom on the first floor is really too small for either a bedroom or a media room.”

The realtor, wearing a fraudulent smile, tried to compensate for the negative comment by describing the renovation that the owners (who were his friends, of course) oversaw for two arduous and expensive years.  The ceiling on the second floor, for instance, was raised two feet.  So, with enough money and the right architects, you can literally raise the roof in Manhattan.

 Property #2:  Roomy Townhouse in a Premiere Location

Then we went to a modest townhouse, one that looks very much like the apartment Allison was renting for a mere

My daughter’s kitchen in one of her Manhattan apartments–a steal at $2700/month

$2700/month.   It was about 800 square feet (the kind of space IKEA magicians furnish) with a bedroom, bath, and a kitchen on the first floor, and another bedroom and bath in the basement—I mean,“the lower level.”

The amazing thing is that this condo had an  outdoor area, a space about the size of an average Cincinnati kitchen, enclosed by an 8 foot wooden fence, but you could still see other homes from the back yard.  Six on the block were privately owned, which even impressed my “son-in-law.”  It was a starter home at $1.2 million, but earned some cache by the fact that Jon Hamm, the actor, had supposedly looked at it Saturday.  “He is quite dashing,” our jeans and black sweater-clad realtor said in a hushed tone, “and he has that strong, square jaw.”  This impressed me.

 Property #3:  Perched on Central Park

The man cave

Then our foursome headed back to where we felt destined to live: Central Park West.  Here was a $3.295 million condo, with two bedrooms and two baths in 1,800 square feet.

It had a man cave that impressed my “son-in-law,” who I could tell was dying to turn on the flat screen television.

The kitchen was tucked in the back and had amazing amenities, but Seth said, loudly in a disgusted tone, “Basically, you’ve got a galley kitchen.”

The master bedroom had three windows which let in light, but Seth said, “Think how noisy this corner is going to be.”  And Allison said, “Basically, you have a Central Park address without a view.”

Hopefully the next condo would live up to our high standards and discriminating tastes.

 Property #4  Elegant Building with a Contemporary Infrastructure and Sweeping Views

The next condo, also on Central Park, was a two-bedroom, two bath for $3.25 million.  This realtor, who lived in the building, wore a black cloche hat with her black cashmere sweater.  She whispered, conspiratorially, that the monthly maintenance fee was only $2600, “and that includes gas and electricity!”

There was a fake fireplace, but there were candles inside it that you could light for a “warm flicker.”  There was also the coveted exposed brick two- foot wall (which is, apparently, a thing), that had a history the realtor described in glowing detail, but I wasn’t paying attention because I had already gone out to the terrace which had real upholstered furniture, better than what I have in my living room, and a view of the city that took my breath away.

Seth said, “It’s beautiful, but you’re not allowed to have a grill out here.  What’s the point of a deck where you can’t grill?”

It was impressive, to be sure, but we reluctantly left after petting the aging rescue dog.  It’s nice that

‘I’ve finally found something in your price range — How’s your Albanian?’

the owners took on a recycled house and a recycled dog.

We saw another condo in the building, a steal at $2.25 million, but it had no view . . . well, that’s not exactly accurate:  it had a view of an alley.

Property #5:  Stylish Elements with a Vintage Feel

Finally, we arrived at the “famed” Altelier Building, built in 1903.  The doorman pointed to the cage elevator, where an elevator operator waited to yank the gate shut for us.  After a jerky ride punctuated by the whining of pulleys and the screeching of gears, we arrived at the 3 bedroom, 2 bath duplex.

The maintenance fee here was $3,908 a month, which made us realize what a deal we had just passed up at the last condo.

The asking price for this condo was $4.75 million, with a pedigree to justify its price.  It was the former residence of art collectors Walter and Louise Arensberg (Nope, I didn’t know who they were either). Their friend Marcel Duchamp (nope, not a clue) lived in the apartment during the summer of 1915. During these years, the Arensbergs’ apartment served as a gathering place for artists, intellectuals, and writers. The New York Dada movement (I’ll google this later) emerged from these very four walls.

“The trendsetting kitchen was featured in the Conran Kitchen Book and has been widely copied across the world,” claimed the brochure.  Now, this kitchen was huge with restaurant-size appliances.  But the one-inch floor tiles were cracked, and a coat of kitchen grease dulled the canisters and mixers and tchotchkes that sat on the countertops.

The pantry was just really greasy and gross, but I looked at the contents to discover that rich people go to Costco and buy toilet paper and laundry bleach, and they stock Hellman’s mayo and white rice, just like you and I.

The owners also had a rescue dog, Molly, that barked a lot.  We tripped over her cage as we passed the kitchen into the back hallway, which was decorated with photos of the owner, recently deceased, and his trophy wife with the second family posed with luminaries, such as Bill Clinton.

The kids’ bedrooms were tacky affairs with shag carpet and trophies and posters.  The master

You can buy a castle cheaper than a place in Manhattan. CLICK HERE TO READ ABOUT IT

bedroom was all brass and wood paneling.  My “son-in-law” turned to his “bride” and said, “This looks like a cabin on a cruise ship.  You know, we’d have to gut this place and completely renovate.  I couldn’t live here as it is.”

I was quite taken with the place.  As the “parent,” I had tried to remain supportive but neutral throughout this house hunt, but I finally had to let it out:  “It’s beautiful, and I think it’s worth every penny!”

My husband had lost his neutral stance as well, and he said, “I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s a treasure.”

Allison turned and gave us a look that said, “Who are you and what happened to our parents?”   She said, “Mother, you do realize it’s almost $5 million, don’t you?”

It was a fun day, pretending to be rich.  It was fun being the parents whose children value their opinions.  It was fun imagining my daughter moving closer to a place she wants to be, a place that isn’t an expensive house or a tony neighborhood, but a place as a mother in a family.  It’s the kind of real estate you can’t buy, even though it’s widely advertised.

 “There’s something so romantic about being broke in New York. You gotta do it. You have to live there once without any money, and then you have to live there when you have money. Let me tell you, of the two, the latter is far better.” Amy Poehler

CLICK HERE TO SEE HOW THE COST OF LIVING IN MANHATTAN COMPARES WITH HARLINGTON, TEXAS

CLICK HERE TO SEE BROOKLYN, NEW YORK  MICRO-APARTMENTS — 260 – 360 SQUARE FEET FOR ONLY $2,000 – $3,000/MONTH