When I was a kid, food was rafts of lemon and hard boiled eggs slices floating on Grandma’s brandy-laced mock turtle soup at her long dining room table on Christmas Eve
Food was wieners and beans sliding around on turquoise Melamine plates on Saturday nights to give Mom a night off of cooking.
It was Sunday brunch, fried eggs basted with bacon grease by my aproned father.
It was a shared Golden Delicious apple, peeled and quartered by my grandpa.
It was Girl Scout Stew and s’mores around a campfire at Camp Butterworth.
Food was something I used to leave on my plate when I was eight and all elbows and knees.
I recently had a conversation with my doctor that was sprinkled with words from the medical lexicon like “triglycerides,” “BMI,” “glucose.” and “chubby.” The conversation that has a subtext: You will not live long enough for your children to change your diapers. Food is different now that I am suffering the health consequences of foolish consumption for over six decades.
When I was a kid, before the FDA came up with the Food Pyramid and My Plate, before God created kale and quinoa, there were four food groups. For me, there are still four food groups.
The first food group is THE POISONS. This group is comprised of all the foods people universally agree are bad for you, but delicious: Fritos, chips, buttered popcorn, cheesecake, fried butter, bacon, Oreos, French fries, and M & Ms. In the good old days, when I was blissfully unaware of this food group, I forged friendships over extra cheese pizza, won my boyfriend’s heart with chocolate chip cookies I sent to Fort Dix, and cured insomnia with hot chocolate. Now, if I eat one bite of pecan pie, I feel like I should go to the ER for an antivenom injection.
The second food group is THE MEDICINES This group includes foods that everyone agrees are not necessarily gooooood, but are good for you. Even chubbies grudgingly admit that they should sample more frequently from the MEDICINES—apples, legumes, pomegranates, brown rice, and flax. The more noxious the food, the more likely it is that it’s in the MEDICINE GROUP. Medicines make you feel worthy, self-righteous, superior, and gassy.
The third food group consists of THE AMBIGUITIES. You can’t immediately say whether they are poisons or medicines before asking relevant questions. Oatmeal? It’s a medicine if it’s “old-fashioned.” Milk, the kind that flows like syrup—that’s poison. Blue milk, with 0% fat, is most definitely Medicine. Olive oil? Uncooked, it’s medicine; cooked, it’s not poison, but just neutral, like Switzerland. Wheat bread? Only if it’s whole wheat is it medicine. Peanut butter? The creamy kind in the jar, the kind that forms a second skin on your palate, is full of oil and sugar and salt ( the elixers of life to my way of thinking)? Poison. The medicinal version of peanut butter is all peanuts. I get it at a health foods store where they grind the peanuts right before your eyes, and the finished product comes out in ribbons of tar.
The fourth and final group is THE CONTROVERSIALS.. While your cholesterol, blood pressure, and glucose hang in the balance, “experts,” all of whom look wan and sad, debate about these foods. One camp says they’re medicines, while the other says they’re poisons. Salmon, hailed for its good fat (and don’t we love the sound of that) is condemned by vegans, and there’s the concern about pollutants in the farmed variety. Experts caution us about the iodine content, which some think is best reserved for boo-boos, and the mercury, the cool (and toxic) stuff we used to play with when thermometers broke. “That big juicy chicken breast is packed with nutrients, but voluptuous chickens are also packed with hormones which can induce early puberty and give toddlers acne. Females should have a lot of milk to avoid osteoporosis, but some research shows milk makes you fat, not strong. In the span of my lifetime eggs have been declared good for you, then bad for you, and now they are on the “good” list again.
I met with a scrawny dietitian who suggested, not a diet—oh no—but rather a “nutritional adjustment.” As a result, I now attack my dinner plate like a conscripted soldier, waging war with battalions of triglycerides and squadrons of sweets, armed only with my self-control and my new-found knowledge of these four food groups. Oh, how I long for the good old days.
Copyright © 2014 Sandy Lingo, All Rights Reserved
Boy, you nailed this! This is a delightful read …and one I can SO relate to…humor and truth…a nice combination!
Last February I spent much too much time in the hospital. I do not know if it was stress, illness or hospital food, especially green jello, but I lost 35 pounds.
I had to go to a kidney specialist and was put on lasix (part of the medicine group). This is a drug designed to make you pee at least once every hour. However I lost another 10 pounds.
I certainly do not recommend this diet to anyone. But I am happy with the results.
Thanks for your insight Ms. Sandy
Thank you for sharing your story, although it sounds pretty harrowing. Thank you so much for reading my blog. Best wishes for your restored health.
And you need an excel spreadsheet to plan a dinner party menu around the food groups which are poison to various people. Ignorance really IS bliss at times.
It is amazing we have lived as long as we have…our DNA has to be considered in our choices
I love the visual image of playing with the mercury from the broken thermometers! Brought back not just that image but also the remembrance of that period of time in my childhood where I would have run around in my light weight cotton nightie with my hair in a messy ponytail.
This made me laugh out loud in the middle of the library. Shhhh…
Dear Sandy,
Enjoyed your shared food experiences! As I’m reading the latest research from those skinny nutritionists, fat is no longer bad for you, it was all just a big, bad, crazy mistake! C’st la vie! P.S. Does melamine cause cancer?
Delightful. Keep them coming!
Thank you!
I laughed out loud. It is my perfect “nutritional adjustment”
Thanks!
Never trust a doctor or dietian that are thinner than your left thigh. MODERATION, MODERATION, MODERATION!
Amen!
From rubbing shoulders with some fellow dietitians I know for a fact, some verge on anorexia and a bit OTT about indulging in forbidden foods. I figure everything should be allowed in moderation. I also figure if you live long enough every forbidden food will be touted as good for you. Just look at the movie, “Sleeper” with Woody Allen who was in some sort of hibernation state and woke up in the future where he commented “Whata you know! Hamburgers are good for you!
Love all the memories!
Sandy, I’m so glad you wrote this! It clarified a lot of misinformation insightfully and with your usual quirky humor. I had some hearty and good-for-me-I’m-certain laughs by the end of it. Look forward to more….
This piece brought back so many great memories! I agree that everything in moderation is the best route to take but sometimes I just have to have chocolate cake for dinner!
My favorite line: “The more noxious the food, the more likely it is that it’s in the MEDICINE GROUP. Medicines make you feel worthy, self-righteous, superior, and gassy.” Oh, yes, I know the gas.
I am enjoying your blogs sooo much! Of course I have always known how talented you are, and now I can just sit back, read and laugh my head off. Keep them coming!