Me sporting what my husband calls a “no pest strip.
“Hark, how hard he fetches breath.” ―William Shakespeare
There are a couple reasons I keep my husband. First among them is that he keeps the secret of my snoring. When we’re in a plane, in a movie theater, or lying on the beach, he is there to nudge me if I, uh, breathe heavily. He doesn’t even have to say the word “snore,” nor would he ever. No, never! He just looks at me lovingly in a way he reserves for just such occasions, and I know that I’ve been sighing, loudly.
“Did I snore?” and “Am I fat?” elicit the same response from him. “Of course not.” And I think he knows that one of the many reasons I will not have an affair (no energy, no hormones, no clothing right for the occasion), a big deterrent is my snoring. What would it be like to slip off to a Holiday Inn Express with a certain special someone, and in the afterglow, awaken him with my snoring.
At my age, I am not even sure a blood test would confirm that I’m a girl, so I protect every last vestige of my femininity, no matter how much plucking, moisturizing, lifting, firming, cleansing, peeling, and lubricating is required. Snoring is not for ladies. I am quite certain Doris Day never snored. Beyonce? Jennifer Aniston? No way! Tom Selleck and Johnny Depp and Richard Gere? Yes, as is their right as manly men. Them, and old fat men “resting their eyes” in Barcaloungers.
When I travel to writing workshops with my friend Teri, I take precautions against snoring: a Claritan and a couple snorts of Flonase before retiring; stomach slumber; a no-pest Breathe Rite strip stuck on the bridge of my bulbous nose.
But today when I woke up on the first morning of a recent conference and said, “I didn’t sleep a wink,” she laughed and said, “You’ve been snoring since five minutes after your head hit the pillow.”
And then she repeated it to ten other writers who are now probably writing about snoring, too.
This is the thanks I get after assuring Teri, in private and in public, that she does not snore either, even though her husband insists she does. He apparently does not know about the Snoring Code of Silence. I worry about their marriage.
By the way, if you hear that I fart, it’s not true. And neither does she. Fake News.
Other Post You May Enjoy
How to Travel With Your Husband Without Killing Him
Sleeping Around: The Airbnb Experience
They are all writing about snoring now.
Character development.
I snore. Well,that is, I did before my CPAP buddy, acquired about 12 years ago. My diagnosis was severe sleep apnea. So if I did take a lover, I have no worries about snoring. Just scaring him because I look like a space alien in the spiffy mask.
Great story, Sandy and so relatable!!
Hilarious! Love the blood test comment.
This was too funny! There should always be The Snoring Code of “Silence”!
“At my age, I am not even sure a blood test would confirm that I’m a girl. . .”
Sandy, this line had me laughing out loud so hard I couldn’t keep reading! Had to get the readback line down here right away! And now….I’ll go back and finish this delightfully funny read!
Love this, Sandy! If my dogs could speak, I suspect that my own nightly, um, emissions would be the talk of the neighborhood.
Hilarious, Sandy! Love the hormone observation and the “affair” description! PLEASE keep cranking these out. You are a joy!
Hilarious!! I marvel at the compassion of your husband. Mine would agree instantly that I not only snore, but am fat, as well. He needs to do a day-long workshop with your husband!!
From a fellow snorer I can relate. I have been useing a CPAP and a mouth appliance for 4 years now. I’m quiet as a mouse. Hubby however won’t admit he snores and snorts and won’t use the nose strips. But he’s a dear and doesn’t comment on the weight gain and pooched belly. You tell it like it is girl!!
This was hilarious and oh, so true! I suspect I snore sometimes, but my husband is too gentlemanly to ever speak of it out loud! He snores every night, but I poke him and make him turn over! Thanks for the laughs!
Your husband is a sweetie!
You always make me lol!!! I read this at 6:00am before taking the grandkids to school, and you turned my day around! I smiled all the way to school. Thanks for being you, Sandy! You are one in a million!
So funny! As we all say, everything is material, even if we sleep through it!