Graduation speeches range from the ridiculous to the sublime.
There’s this advice from actress Katie Holmes: “Don’t use a fake ID to buy wine and then try to pay with a check.”
And this from Cindi Lauper: “Life is going to give you a bad turn…It’s just a test. And look at all the tests you passed just to get here.”
Graduation speeches are sometimes poetic and sometimes, well, duh:
Bill Nye: “Nowadays we, and by we I mean you, are going to have to steer our spaceship, take charge of Earth.”
And this breaking news from football player J.J. Watt: “No matter how tough you may be, everybody needs to ask for help at some point in their lives.” Well, sure.
And then there are the circuitous musings of Angela Merkel, German Chancellor, that don’t translate well:
There is no beginning without an end, no day without night, no life without death. Our whole life consists of the difference, the space between beginning and ending.”
Nobody has yet invited me to deliver a commencement address—and why would they when Pierce Brosnan is available to tell graduates that “you don’t need to be James Bond” to save the world”—but I am ready. I have all kinds of advice that nobody, not my husband, not my children, is ready to hear, but I assure you, I know stuff.
I have wisdom borne of experience. I wore mini-skirts before there were pantyhose. I ate Jello back in the day when it passed for “greens.” I’ve been married to a thin man for 47 years. I was on this planet when Pluto was still a planet. I remember “fingernails on a chalkboard.”
But while I honor my past, I don’t live in the past. I have a FitBit, a Roomba, an iphone XR, an Alexa, a Keurig, a digital thermometer.
But I can survive without these things. I can move seamlessly between antiquity and modernity. Why, just this morning, I used my hand to move my toothbrush up and down when I realized I had forgotten to plug it in last night. And when Alexa refused to turn on my light (dammit)? I leaned over, negotiating the gap between bed and nightstand, read my lamp like Braille, and clicked the switch.
And although I’m not a famous singer, I’ve known forever that “girls just want to have fu-un.”
So here are some topics about which I can wax on (and wax off).
ON AGE: If you get old enough, you will look better with your glasses on than off. Same with clothes.
ON ENTERTAINING: Start with a clean dishwasher. Offer only one hors d’oeuvre. If the guest list is bipartisan, serve less alcohol and more dessert.
ON PARENTING: It’s like sex. It can keep you up at night. It’s better with a partner you love. It sometimes requires pharmaceuticals. There are joys.There are regrets. It’s usually worth the effort. Sometimes it feels like it goes on too long.
ON CLOTHING: Test drive a new bra for at least a month before buying multiples. It’s still a good idea to wear a slip. If you’re a female politician or news anchor, channel Mitch McConnell and Rachel Maddow when you select your clothes: dress so they won’t remember what you wore, but what you said. Elastic waistbands, yes.
MISPLACED LOVE: Fall in love with people, not organizations. People may let you down and disappoint you; organizations (churches, schools, clubs, charities) always will.
ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Don’t compare your insides with someone else’s outsides. If you’re a woman, don’t compare your outsides with other women’s outsides. Be careful of sharing your insides with the outside.
ON COMPLAINTS: Complain to the right person. Don’t chew out the waitress if the steak is medium well instead of rare. Don’t yell at the reservationist if the plane is delayed. Don’t blame the teacher if your kid doesn’t hand in his homework. Don’t take it out on your spouse because you had a bad day . . . well, maybe you can every once in a while, ’cause it’s part of the deal.
ON MARRIAGE: As Michelle Obama says in her memoir Becoming, marriage can be “a vexation.” And she is married to Barack.
ON MOTHERS: She wants your approval as much as you want hers. You will eventually regret every time you said, “Mother” in that eye-rolling way. Don’t wait until she dies to acknowledge she was sometimes right. If you become a parent, you will eventually forgive her mistakes. You will never get over her death. There will come a time when you divide your life, the years when she was alive and the time since she left. You will say, when trying to determine the date of an event, “Well, Mother was still alive.”
ON WEDDINGS Remember it’s about the marriage. Have a wedding cake, for Pete’s sake. People come to the reception anticipating it, and doughnuts or ice cream or a candy bar can only disappoint. And ladies, wear the veil and the tiara—you’ll never get another chance to be the politically incorrect princess. You should know that the best part of the wedding is picking out the dress, and it usually goes downhill from there.
ON SEX: Have as much sex as you can while you still want it and while the only thing you’ll need from the pharmacy is a contraceptive.
ON BUBBLES: Make yourself watch the alternate news channel, the one you think broadcasts “fake news.” Keep Facebook friends who like the other candidate, religion, sports team, cell phone provider, diet, Beatle. You don’t have to push back(see “ON PUSHBACK).
ON PUSHBACK: You don’t have to react. You don’t have to have an opinion. You don’t have to be right. You don’t have to have the last word. You don’t need to respond right now. You can scroll by. You can say, “You may be right,” or, “I may be wrong.” You don’t have to assume the worst of a person who’s said something hurtful; you can *“presume good will,” assume they meant no harm. If you ignore all of this advice and decide to push back after all, don’t put it in writing!
ON TRAVEL: Travel where the tap water isn’t safe and the toilets aren’t reliable and the people don’t look like you and there’s not a church in the entire country. While it’s fascinating to see how day-to-day life is so different in far-flung places, it’s more transformative to discover how much the people are just like you.
TIPPING Do it extravagantly if you can. A buck probably means more to your waitress than it does to you. Do it when it’s not expected. My husband sometimes tips the person cleaning the public toilets and thanks him for providing such a hygienic environment. And how about the lady who warms up the rubbery eggs for the breakfast buffet at the La Quinta Inn? The UPS and cable folks and garbage collectors? Leave a couple bucks on the pillow when you check out of a hotel. When you are leaving a country with a pocket full of currency which you can’t convert to dollars, give it to a person pushing a service cart in the airport.
ON GRADUATION SPEECHES Put your phone away. Stop yawning like it’s all so lame. Don’t roll your eyes like you’re being ironic. Listen. You might just learn something.
*”Presume good will,” is one of the tenets of Women Writing for (a) Change
Which of the above topics do you think is the most important for graduates to hear? If you gave a graduation speech, what would it be about? Let me know in the comments section, and I’ll add your comments to this post.
I think it’s not mere coincidence that Art Buchwalk was your commencement speaker. Perhaps something soaked in, and you didn’t know it at the time! My speech would is (and has been to my kids) about hydration–which as you can imagine, applies to many, many topics!
Also, Art Buchwald!
Really? He was your speaker? Is that what you mean?
Hydration! HYDRATION! Oh, what I could have done with hat, if only I had thought of it!
Enjoyed your words of wisdom!
Always stuns, humbles, and thrills me when someone says I’m “wise.” My family wouldn’t necessarily agree.
So true, so true and very funny. Hooray!
Thank you, Germaine! Means a lot to know you are reading my dance of words . . . see what I did there? Ha!
You are my Erma Bombeck! Thank you!
Oh my gosh! You used “Erma” in your comment! Humbled and thrilled. Thanks for reading and responding.
Hilarious….and beyond wise. Witty, as usual. So darn clever. You knock my socks off, Sandy! So happy to receive your blogs.
Always so stunned when someone refers to me as “wise.” Tell my kids! Thanks for reading and responding. Your kind words mean so much.
Once again you have crushed a topic! Your wit is on point and your humor is priceless! Thanks for making me laugh !
Thank you, Ned. Your support means a lot.
I love you SO MUCH! You out-Erma’d Erma on this one, Sandy, and your advice should be required reading for every graduate. Brilliant and hilarious and true!
OMG! You used the “E” word! What could be a better compliment? Thanks for reading and respoding.
One again, you nailed it. You make it look so easy, but I know that it’s hard work to make it look that way. You personally have lent me wisdom when I needed it.
Thank you for your support. It means a lot that you know how hard this is. The simpler they look, the harder they are to write.
OK, every blog post I start with “This is your best one yet.” Dang, if this isn’t it! Too many readbacks to list. So much wisdom AND humor skillfully interwoven. You are the master (or mistress or madam?).
“I can move seamlessly between antiquity and modernity.”
“There will come a time when you divide your life, the years when she was alive and the time since she left.”
“As Michelle Obama says in her memoir Becoming, marriage can be “a vexation.” And she is married to Barack. “
Oh, Readback Lines! Only a fellow writer would know how great a response this is. Thanks for reading, and reading deeply.
Darn, I hope my comment posted. It seems to have disappeared. God forbid I rewrite my lines!
Sandy! This is so good! It tugged at my heart strings, made me think, and of course, made me laugh. I’m with Ellen. This may just be your best one yet! 😘
Never would have gotten here without your help! My writing is so much better thanks to knowing you.
I was one of my high school’s graduation speakers, and I came across a copy of it recently. Guess what? I yawned and thought it was lame. Ha!
No way! I bet it was great! I’ll bet that, even at 18, you knew stuff.
Once again you hit the mark. I marvel at your insight and wisdom. You humor is a welcome warmth that fuels my soul. I am so proud to know you. I would hire you for graduation anyday.
What kind words! Thank you! I love having you as a writing sister.
Sandy, I miss you. Thank you once again for the out-of-the-box thoughts and the laughs. The toothbrush, the fu-un, and, yes, about tipping! Looking forward to your next post!!
Come baaaaack! Hope your family is well.
I’m sharing these words of wisdom with Amanda. The wedding is in 2 1/2 months. As I watch my husband’s mother hovering at the top of the escalator to heaven I’m thinking of your wise words and hopefully will be of some comfort to him when that time arrives.
Congratulations to Amanda! Hope she has a good time at her wedding and that the dress shopping won’t be the highlight of the process. Losing one’s parents . . . it’s a developmental benchmark, isn’t it. I don’t think I was really an adult until I lived through their deaths. Love to see pictures of you with your mom. Great hearing from you. Thanks for reading and responding. Say hello to the kids.
Always a unique way of looking at life Sandy. True I want my girls approval as much as they want mine. As to marriage I like the word vexation but I would add endurance and acceptance is needed in a long term relationship.
Thank you, Cathy. I knew you’d relate to my comments about motherhood. And marriage . . . so many descriptors! Ha!
I love this! The one bit of advice I would add is the words on the Maryland waterway signs: Your wake is your responsibility. Meaning, if the water wake behind your boat is a speed wave that causes damage to the next boater, then you are responsible for the damage. Think of the person who receives your wake…on the road, the sidewalk, your comments, your left behind dirty laundry or unflushed toilet. MD roadway signs are great too: Please drive gently.
Love this!! Will add when I get access to computer. In Lithuania!
As usual, Sandy, your wisdom is both humble and profound in its humanity and humor. I wish I’d had this material when I was asked to be the commencement speaker at Mercy High School eons ago. Maybe just maybe I wouldn’t have been so completely forgetable.