“I don’t have pet peeves like some people. I have whole kennels of irritation.”~ Whoopi Goldberg
1. Navy Blue
Get rid of navy. How many times have I left the house wearing black pants with navy shoes, one black sock with a navy one. It’s an indecisive color, not blue, not black. And in 45 years I haven’t been able to convince my husband that black and navy are even different colors. Even the U.S. Navy has gotten rid of navy; the uniforms are now black because they had trouble getting matching navy fabric from different suppliers. Sure, if we got rid of navy, it might put a crimp in the yachting gals’ nautical theme, but I’m willing to put my yacht in dry dock. You?
2. Old Parts
What if, as a matter of course, every fifty-year-old had his molars crowned while anesthetized for that first colonoscopy? Those of us who grew up in the pre-fluoride days have silver fillings the size of plums. When decay or cracks find their way into the miniscule remnants of tee
th, the dentist says the “C” word—crown. My dentist just loves to give me the royal treatment! Look in my mouth, and you’ll see an absolute monarchy. Get rid of old teeth.
Old uteri should be like baby teeth: When you’re done with yours, it should fall out. How much simpler aging would be without this organ that doesn’t just peacefully fall asleep, but stalls and sputters to a stop and delivers clots as big as kittens.
3. Fungus
Toenails, bathroom tiles, vaginas, Camembert, tree trunks . . . fungus is a merciless interloper, a noun that sounds as gross as it is, one whose plural form is Latin and just too hard to spell. Banish it.
4. Bras
If you’re a woman, I need not explain. Gentlemen, let me just say that a bra is like having a necktie choke, not your neck, but rather your back, your shoulders,and the pad of fat that hangs like an apron from your stomach. Try to imagine thin wire coaxing your testicles into a perky silhouette.
5. Gravity
Newton came up with all kinds of laws that apply to this force, but none that describe its relentless pull on women’s chins, breasts, abdomens, uteri, asses, and knees. Men are powerless against its effects on earlobes and testicles. Sure, gravity will “keep you grounded,” but this condition is overrated.
6. Coupons
I have an idea: Why not charge what the item is worth? I find myself apologizing for shopping willy-nilly when the cashier asks, “Do you have any coupons today?” My fragile self-esteem takes a real beating when the woman in front of me pulls out 29 coupons from an accordion file while nursing one of her triplets.
7. Floss
Once the dentist
plants this seed of self-doubt, you forever feel a little dirty when you don’t floss, yet this isn’t uncomfortable enough to actually make you floss–except for the fifteen times in the hour preceding your dental appointment. To a layperson, your mouth seems quite clean, and you may be able to trick him or her into believing that you are fastidious about your oral hygiene, but the dental hygienist knows. She purrs, “How are we doing with the flossing?” And you want to shriek back, “You know darn well how I’m doing. You’ve got your whole hand and a rear-view mirror in my mouth. But instead, you bubble the lie out around her gloved hands: “Well, I try to do it every day.” If we’re actually stuck with floss, and we probably are because who ever actually finishes the whole spool of the stuff, then there should be a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding its use.
8. Homophones
Get rid of homomonsters! I know what you’re/your thinking: She’s to/too/two stupid to know how they’re/their/there used. Take my word for it: I’m actually great/grate at selecting the right/write homophone, but I’ve tried for thirty years to teach pubescent children about them, and I’m about to fly the white flag. Teachers perpetuate the use of these annoying identical twins and triplets because it’s one thing we know we can do better than 90% of the world.
9. Ambiguous Signage
“Deer crossing”: Is that a warning for the deer (I can’t have their hastas, but they’ll let me cross here if I’m good) or a warning for the driver (If you don’t want to pick your nose with antlers, best slow down). It seems this sign overestimates the intelligence of the deer, and underestimates the intelligence of the human. Of course, 90% of the English-speaking population reads it as a “Dear Crossing” (see “Homophones,” above), so they are confused for entirely different reasons.
10. High Altitude Announcements
“This is your captain (or was that ‘captor,’ or ‘chaplain’) speaking. We are currently cruising (or was that ‘crashing’) at an altitude of . . .” Who really cares about the altitude as long as it’s far away from the ground and from every other plane in the air? And what is it about a flight attendant donning an orange life vest that turns all the passengers into eighth grade boys in math class? People who are normally polite talk, read, sleep, or slump while the safety instructions are announced. Wait until we can see the roof of the Corn Palace to give us those directions. I promise, we’ll pay attention.
11. Lists
Copyright © 2014 Sandy Lingo, All Rights Reserved
Sandy, you have such talent! I’m enjoying your blog so much!
Thank you so much. It’s pretty sweet that we are connecting this way. I should write about NOT learning how to ride a horse at Winton Woods.
Sandy, Just fantastic
Maryanne
You are hilarious…I could actually hear you delivering this on stage with a mic. If you combined all your humorous works into one set, you could easily headline! Your analogies and hyperbole made me laugh out loud. Wonderful writing! Just wonderful!!!
Many thanks.
Sandy, your blogs are delightful! Such a bright spot in my day. I find myself eagerly anticipating your next hilarious insight!
I am sharing these with my friends this evening in Florida. They are so true and of course, funny.
I’m still laughing. Thanks for looking at the mundane and making it important! What do you think of giraffe stirrers in drinks?
Enjoyed starting my day with a bit of your humor, especially #8. Please continue to share!
Nailed it!
I loved it all. . .especially the part about the dentist. My formerly tiny little fillings from the pre-flouride era have been removed and all have been completely replaced by gold and porcelain crowns. Worth a fortune!
This cracked me up: “6. Coupons: I have an idea: Why not charge what the item is worth? ”
Also, you are the ONLY person I know who politely sits and listens to the flight attendant during the safety instructions. And you really do! You not your head at the appropriate moments and smile encouragingly during (whilst I already have my eye mask on and am snoring!)
It must be a family trait- I can’t handle couponing either!
Sandy…..how delightful!!!
I especially loved the gravity…..think about age 80! I also LOVED the coupons! Who has time to fuss with 25 to 50 cents? I just want to shop and get on with life!!
Thanks for the laughs!
Too/to/two funny!
Pack your bags. I’m calling Jimmy Kimmel!
Hi Sandy, Love crawling around inside your head with you. What gut-splitting treasures within. So funny! Thanks.
I/eye agree!
I HATE NAVY BlUE TOO!!!
Stood in line at Kroger’s buying canned cat food. The bagger said if you got Kroger’s coupon on line it was half price. I felt like I was throwing my money away not having that darn coupon.
Don’t get me started on underwire bras – ditched them years ago. Boobs are meant to hang loose even if it’s on your stomach.
Ha!! I love the deer crossing comments. I laughed out loud! And bras for men’s nethers should be standard. Love this. You made my day. 😉
Your writing is witty and humorous! Number 6 is my favorite! (I’m NEVER that organized. EVER).