Today was a good day to hang out in the Cincinnati Enquirer’s obits. Turns out, nearly all the local dears departed decades later in life than my age now.
Also in today’s newspaper was a piece about the Japanese lady who, at 116, is believed to be the oldest woman in the world. Wow, if I lived to be 116, I would still have 50 more years to live.
But even if I lived to be 116, I still wouldn’t be middle-aged now, would I? The middle of 116 years is 58. I’m 67.
For 67 to the middle of my life, I’d have to live to be 134. I have too many pizzas and Cheetos under my belt for longevity.
Despite the encouraging news in today’s newspaper, it is undeniably true that I have more life behind me than in front of me.
Some say, “Age gracefully.” That sounds like it’s about someone else, about making it comfortable for the people around you. Aging gracefully (even walking gracefully) doesn’t seem like a viable plan for me.
I say, figure out what you want out of your remaining years, then age pragmatically.
What do I want for my final chapter?
I want to LEARN, TEACH, AND PLAY. This is my plan for getting what I want:
ONE
I will stop aging myself with self-deprecating talk. My self will age without my help. If I am tempted to label myself as old or irrelevant or blind or constipated, I. Will. Stop. Stop.
TWO
If I forget something, I won’t say I’ve had a “senior moment.” I just forgot something, dammit. I still have a lot of data stored in this good noggin of mine, and it’s mostly the detritus that leaks out anyway.
Like the name of that actor who kinda looks like Charles Laughton but with blond hair, the guy who played the gunslinger in that movie-I-can’t recall in I-don’t-know-what-year? Turns out I don’t have to remember because SIRI did.
THREE
I will not hang with curmudgeons. Curmudgeony is contagious. I am going to hang with the cool kids.
FOUR
I will develop relationships with people of all ages, not just mature ladies like me. I don’t want to be the last one left at the party, the one who turns out the lights. In the presence of young people, I will act the equal I am. I will not lord my experience over them . . . or apologize for it.
FIVE
I will not play organ recitals about everyday aches and pains. Nobody wants to hear about my sluggish colon, prolapsed uterus, and toenail fungus. Whining about my chassis won’t do anybody a bit of good, not like juicy conversations about Game of Thrones or climate change or polyamory.
SIX
When I need help with technology, I won’t apologize for being old and for not dying before my computer contracted a virus. I will trust my ability to learn. I’m not stupid; I just haven’t yet been taught. I will sidle up to the Genius Bar and say, “Could you please teach me how . . .?”
SEVEN
I will not disparage the younger generation or how things are today. No, “the Millennials . . .” or “the younger generation . . .” It just makes me sound like somebody’s Great Aunt Dorcas. I will instead lift up the ways young people do things better, like fixing heart valves, sharing parenting equally, and putting Scrabble online (with a built-in dictionary, no less–genius!).
Admit it: who’s wiser, the Parkland kids or their grandparents?
EIGHT
I will try saying, “You may be right,” and “I may be wrong.” I will let someone else have the last word. I will keep my opinions to myself unless I know what I’m talking about.
NINE
No matter how long I live, I. Will. Not. Talk. About. Bowel Movements. Not about the consistency, frequency, aroma, hue, or ease of passage. My children have my permission to whack me upside my head if I do.
TEN
I have limited time left to learn, and I will use that time wisely. I won’t waste it on learning how to fold fitted sheets, making kale palatable, reading Ulysses, or accessing the Cloud (really, what and where is that?).
ELEVEN
I will say it all now. I will express my love and gratitude, leaving nothing unsaid. I will make amends. I will write letters to leave my children. I will write letters to legislators. Maybe I will write a blog.
TWELVE
I am getting my affairs in order, and you know what’s great about that? Unlike housework or gardening or sex, you don’t have to do it
over and over again. Once it’s done, you can cross it off your list and just live.
I’ve updated my will. There is a list of my online passwords in my safety deposit box. I have chosen my Power of Attorney, someone who will be brave enough to pull the plug or to drive me to Oregon where I can smoke pot until I die a peaceful, dignified, pharmacologically-accelerated death. I have signed the papers to donate my body to science, to give the docs one last chance to comment on my subcutaneous fat and unflossed teeth.
THIRTEEN
If a young person offers me a seat on the bus, I’ll take it and say, “Thank you.” His parents taught him manners, and I will reinforce their lessons. And besides, falling would be a bad thing, right? A broken hip would put a real kink (pun intended) in my kama sutra practice.
FOURTEEN
I will moisturize aggressively. If all else fails, I will call Jane Fonda’s plastic surgeon.
FIFTEEN
I will not spend one minute wearing an uncomfortable bra.
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I can’t tell you how perfect and perfectly timed this post is! Great to see your latest and brilliant as always.
Thank you, dear. I hope to meet you soon.
Yes! Sandy, I say THIS is what “getting older” looks like in this century. It’s not about dwindling down, it’s about adding on and becoming More. Thanks for this fun and inspirational piece, my friend. The adventure continues!
One of my other readers said almost the same thing, said we should talk “it” up, not down. Thanks for reading.
I want to join your Cool Kids Club!!!
Please do! Thanks for reading!
I especially enjoyed this article which reminded me that I am not the only one to be stunned by the fact that I am really getting older! I hope I will embrace the best parts of this time of life and resist the despairing remarks about the disadvantages!
Totally agree, Lorretta. Thanks for reading and responding.
Sandy Lingo, this is divine! This a lot of wisdom condensed into a whitty and fun to read blog. I want to be this kind of woman, I want to hang out with this kind of woman. Oh, I do! You!
Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words.
Sandy,
I LOVE this! I think I should adopt most, if not all, of your plan. I’m always so happy when I see your blog in my in-box. Thanks for this great outlook on aging.
Makes me happy to see your name. Hope you are well. You should come downtown and hang with me and your sister.
Edging into 70 this August this is all on my mind. It’s a sobering thought how many years are left and how I choose to live them. Time to just let go of angers and hurts and enjoy each moment. Timely topic for me. Thanks.
Yes to “let go of angers and hurts.” I should have made that #16. I hear my kids whine and fret about life’s challenges and I think, if you are lucky enough to get to my age, you’ll regret you wasted any time and energy worrying about this stuff.
This should be published lots of places! I love it. So wise. So true.
Thanks, friend.
Amen! Especially #15… anyone bothered by our going bra-less should avert their eyes, right? Thanks as always for your wit and wisdom.
Thank you, as always, for taking the time to read and respond. Yeah, de-bra-ing is a great part of the day!
Another gem. I love number One as I am preparing to write a piece inspired by Psalm 40:3 “He put a new song in my mouth…” whether it is our age, our bodies, or our life turning out to look nothing like we envisioned, talk “it” up, not down. It is the best it is in this moment.
Oh and I am impressed that you have all your passwords saved, and in a safety deposit box no less. My passwords at this point, at least those I can remember die with me.
I love the way you say we should talk it up, not down. And your passwords . . . do your family and get them in your safety deposit box. Of course, you are a lot younger, so you have some time. Thanks for reading and responding. I really appreciated the biblical reference. HOpe you are well.
I so enjoyed your “15 Ways to Age Pragmatically”. I felt as though you were talking about me. Although I am 68, I tell all my young friends I will be 70 next year. Which is true since my birthday is in November and hasn’t arrived yet. I’m not sure why I skip over the age 69 like I do. No one can believe my age since I act so much younger. I said act, not look. I am told I look younger, but, I think these are people who are being nice. Anyway, you are a hoot, Sandy. I just found you and this is your first post I’ve read. I can’t wait to go back and read more.
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to respond. It is the most exciting thing about being a blogger: connecting with someone through the blogosphere. Hope you enjoy some of my other posts.
Enjoyed reading and relating to your comments and those of others. I like your idea of having friends of various ages, as I DO and so enjoy people of all ages.. When I was a teen and early 20’s I also enjoyed the company of mothers of kiddos I babysat and others. Yep, there is so much living to do and it does take planning and going with the flow!
Thanks so much for reading and responding. I am in a book club with professional women in their 40s. I learn so much from them–hope they feel the same way about me.
As always, your wit and wisdom are entertaining as well as enlightening! Can I join your “cool kids” club too? Miss you.
Miss you. See you soon. Promise.
I agree with all of these steps— I would add “It’s never too late” to start something new (even though I sometimes have to remind myself of this).
Yes! Good thought. Will probably include it in the blogpost I am composing now.
Amen
Wonderful writing as usual, love your take on surviving getting older. Rick’s picture of you on Facebook was great.
Makes me happy to see your name and know we are still connected. Thanks for reading and letting me know. So glad you enjoyed it.
I loved this, Sandy. I’m watching folks in my circle make choices about aging, and wish they had your insight and spunk. I’m taking notes! 🙂
So glad you’ll be around to help me make future posts better. Thanks for reading.
I like your ‘tude!
What a great plan!
Loved this, Sandy! You have hit every point that needs discussed. Now, can I join you in living this way? I need to. Having grandchildren helps to keep you young! Your little girl will make this list easier for you and will for the years to come!